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A place to which I shall return again and again. A place that I have returned to more times that I can count. But Tahiti is my love. Mon Amour, every time I write of Tahiti I find myself using the cliche - Tahiti.

There was a full moon. The bus was taking us from the airport to the main town of Papeete. Vahines in pareus had put garlands around our necks. The air was warm and heavy with the scents of tropical flowers and fruits. We had landed at Faaa airport in Tahiti at two o'clock in the morning.

' Would this be about Homebush, if this was the Parramatta Road, the Australian lady behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said: 'Excuse me? Ahead were the flickering lights of Papeete. Along the harbour walls were moored the island traders and the yachts. The black high mass that is the island of Moorea, in the centre of the sea. The sea - a silver tray in the moonlight, on our left. On our right was the dark bulk of Tahiti.

' And held him a willing captive. . . Have always imagined the existence of certain 'Fortunate' islands which were so full of magic and charm that they turned man from his duty and all tasks , and all poets from Homer downwards, all tellers of fairy tales. The thing that made Stevenson leave Europe for ever; the thing that one has dreamt about all one's life; the real thing; i am at one with Maurice Baring who wrote: 'Tahiti is the whole thing. Thankfully most travellers to Tahiti have a little more romance in their soul.

Is changing, tahiti has changed, true. It is so damn beautiful it hurts your eyes. The Fortunate island, indeed, tahiti is.

It was). I reminded him of someone he disliked, as he later explained, smacked a wine bottle against the side of my head because, taken with le cafard, (Was it not there that a legionnaire? French legionnaires and misfits, swearing sailors, tearing, stamping, no longer is Quinn's on the waterfront the bar for ramping.

Every hour, a vertical expression of a horizontal desire - or features fights on the hour, indeed, no longer runs from late night to dusk with a non-stop demonstration of the hip-snapping tamure - a dance which is, the most notorious night spot of the Pacific, and LaFayette.

A Fortunate isle which is the most romantic spot on earth. Marlon Brando, yes, of Pierre Loti and of, of Melville and Somerset Maugham, of Nordhoff and Hall, the island of Gauguin. But this is still Tahiti, some of the sweet simplicity of the islands and the vahines is now missing, yes.

You need a visa. The cheapest way to visit Tahiti is by package tour. The capital of French Polynesia, fly direct to Papeete, instead. No longer can you clamber on a slow steamer and work your way to Tahiti through a pattern of islands.

Do not tip. Tipping is considered offensive by Tahitian standards and customs and you will look an illiterate boor if you insist. Please note that there is no tipping in Tahiti.

This is not a formal dressing up sort of place. Hardly any clothes at all, indeed, you need bring no formal clothes and. Insect repellent and at least three swimming costumes and a pair of reef sandals so that you do not cut your feet on dead coral, the essentials are sunblock - and a lot of it. They can be expensive, where everything is imported over a long distance, bring certain essentials with you for in Tahiti.

I have never noticed this. From April to November it is said to be cooler and drier and from November to March warmer and wetter. Two seasons, in theory, there are. The scenery never less than stunning. The weather is never less than perfect.

Jay and Kelly, in the past I always stayed on the island of Moorea opposite at the Bali Hai simply because of the insanity of the then owners Muk.

Bad songs and then danced the tamure through the night, and then sat with a bucket of banana daiquiris and listened to Shel Silverstein sing mad. On the lawn of that splendid hotel I played frisbee with Art Buchwald and James Michener and lost.

I was younger then.

The Bali Hai Hotel is still there as both a time share establishment and a hotel.

One of the few advertising campaigns with which I ever agreed. The hotel used to have an advertisement - If you are coming to Tahiti and are not booked into the Bali Hai someone has made a terrible mistake. Well worth the extra money, if you stay at the Bali Hai try and get an over-the-water bungalow. With Muk and Jay around there somewhere, a most splendid person, kelly has gone but the place is now run by Rose.

It has spectacular views and is near the golf course. The small extension at the end of the island which tourists rarely visit, the Puunui hotel is on Tahiti Iti. I also have stayed at what was The BeachComber and is now the InterContinental Resort Tahiti and has amazing views of Moora. A bus takes you down to the beach for water sports. Built on a cliff face; the Hotel Hyatt Regency Tahara'a probably is the most upmarket hotel and is visually stunning.

Hire cars are widely available and are good value. Most hotels provided regular bus shuttles. Around midnight the prices double. Taxis are ruinously expensive and should be avoided. These open-sided trucks start from the market in Papeete. Eventually, most visitors never venture although it is an amazing experience for this is the basic form of transportation on Tahiti and may very well get you to where you are going. Impossible to predict but great fun, disorganised, purely in theory to get around there is le truck which is unscheduled.

The French influence in Tahiti is all pervasive.

Wine is a silly price and can range from rotgut to sublime. Especially on Sunday lunchtime when tout Tahiti goes out to eat, your only problem may be getting a table. The serious restaurants range from good to very good.

It will be half the price and twice as good. Wander into town when you want breakfast. It is too damn expensive. Do not eat at your hotel. But it is not a gourmet experience. At some stage try a Tahitian tamaara'a feast. The local French population is serious about food and standards generally are high and the prices match this. And Les Trois Brasseurs, le Rubis, restaurants where I have eaten and which I can recommend are L'Auberge du Pacifique.

Not expensive certainly compared to hotel food prices. Very Tahiti, good food, inexpensive. In the evening there is a site on the waterfront - cooked food stalls called les roulottes.

What else do I do when I am in Tahiti?

He was wrong, as in much else, in this. Noel Coward did this and hated it. In ten minutes you will see a dozen of the most beautiful women in the world. Sit at a sidewalk cafe in Papeete and watch the passing parade. See the only memorial to a member of a royal family - the Pomare dynasty - that incorporates a bottle of Benedictine. Visit poor Pierre Loti's pool. See how accurately he portrayed the beauty of the place and the people. Visit the Gauguin museum. Go up into the singing mountains. Hire a car and drive around (the road does not go all the way around the island).

While on Moorea go horse back riding on the Rupe Rupe Ranch or ride underwater in an aqua-submarine and pretend you are a fish. Take the ferry to Moorea - about 45 minutes on the Moorea ferry. Horrid word - at Punaauia and see the fish life of the Pacific, go out to the lagoonarium - oh.

For certain sure. Smart and sophisticated and not into falling for holiday making visitors, proud, tahitian girls are gorgeous. Push your luck and you will be in for a bad time. Act with respect and decorousness and all will be well. Nothing could be further from the truth, nothing. There is a worldwide myth that they are morally loose and available, the tamure, because of the unbelievably sexy dance, because of folklore, because of Mutiny on the Bounty, because of fiction. One of the great attractions of Tahiti is the staggering beauty of the islands and the even more staggering beauty of Tahitian women.

That still leaves the dancing.

Wear one and go out on the town. There is a tradition in Tahiti that you should wear a flower behind your ear. Especially on a Friday night when the town is wild. Papeete reflects this. Love to celebrate, love to dance, the Tahitians love music. A dance which has no equal, revolves around the tamure, of Papeete, the true nightlife of Tahiti. Eventually totally ignored, thanks be to all the gods, a law. Games or entertainments are strictly forbidden', it stated clearly that 'all lascivious songs. Article 23 of the law of the Leeward Islands was passed, in 1820.

Useful sites

Tahiti Tourism

http://www.tahiti-tourisme.com/

Club Bali Hai Moorea

http://www.balihaihotels.com/

Tahiti

http://www.tahiti.com/

Tahiti Explorer

http://www.tahiti-explorer.com/